


Good Friends Show Up With A Shoulder To Cry On; Best Friends Show Up With A Shovel To Smack The Asshole That Made You Cry

by DontOffendTheBees



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Friendship, Gen, Loyalty, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 09:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10761753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontOffendTheBees/pseuds/DontOffendTheBees
Summary: 'How many times had they done this? To Dirk in particular, since something about him seemed to lure them in. How did they know how to find him, how to push him to the furthest limits of his panic, and what exactly did their vampire thing do to him? Where the fuck did they get off, singling Dirk out again and again, scaring him shitless all for... What? A snack? A game? Fuck that. Fuck them."Hey!" He yelled, rage making his voice carry. "Get the fuck away from him!"'Todd takes a stand for a friend. Post-series, Dirk and Todd friendship fic (could be read as pre-slash), featuring swearing and Rowdy 3-typical violence.





	Good Friends Show Up With A Shoulder To Cry On; Best Friends Show Up With A Shovel To Smack The Asshole That Made You Cry

**Author's Note:**

> (Damn Keith back at it again with the stupidly long titles)
> 
> Guess who’s back with more procrastination one-shots!
> 
> This one’s more of a Todd and Dirk friendship thing, although you could read it as pre-slash, and this evolved from my desire to see a) more of Todd standing up for Dirk like the good protective bestie/action hero/white knight that we all know he can be and b) the Rowdies getting called out for how they treat Dirk. Which isn’t to say I don’t fuckin LOVE the Rowdies, ‘cuz you KNOW I do, they’re my babes- but even if they never actually hurt Dirk, he was fuckin’ terrified when they first appeared, so it’s pretty messed up that they keep doing their vampire thing to him anyway. So this takes place in some unspecified time period after season one, where everyone’s escaped the CIA again and the agency’s up and running but Amanda’s still (understandably) pissed with Todd and he’s getting a bit of a handle on his pararibulitus.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

The first time it happened, Todd didn’t have an awful lot of time to think about it.

In the few short moments after Dirk had run to the window, seen the van outside, and immediately scrambled to lock the door and hide, Todd’s world had been once again turned violently upside down. First there was the struggle of trying to get Dirk out the door, which was kind of like trying to get a difficult cat into a carrier. Then there was the moment of terror as the root of Dirk’s fear rounded the corner, and Todd had had no choice but to drag the detective bodily back through the door and slam it shut.

And then the door flew practically off of its hinges, and shit _really_ hit the fan.

Suddenly four leather-jacketed thugs were in his apartment, flipping tables and smashing walls and tearing everything to shreds, and Todd hadn’t thought far beyond backing himself and his guitar out of immediate harm’s reach.

The chaos only ended when all four guys clustered round Dirk's trembling form on the floor and did... _It._ The thing, the glowy blue thing. Mouths open, eyes closed, vibrant blue energy streaming into them from Dirk as they drank their fill.

And then it was over, almost as soon as it had begun, and the guys were leaving- their leader giving Todd a threatening look and stealing some shit on his way out the window.

It was awful. Everything he owned in the world, trashed and destroyed while he could do nothing but watch. His heart was sinking, he was clinging to his guitar- the sole survivor- like a lifeline.

And then there was Dirk. Clambering to his feet, hair a mess, clothes a mess, eyes wide and a little bit haunted. It didn’t look like he’d done much better than Todd’s poor broken coffee table. He was such a pitiful sight, Todd actually found himself forgetting about his wrecked apartment for a moment to ask what the hell they’d done to him.

Then Dorian barged in, and the moment was over.

* * *

 

The second time it happened, Todd was even more unprepared to deal with it.

To be fair, he _had_ been about to die.

He was dripping with sweat and choking on smoke and fire extinguisher foam when rough hands had dragged him from the wreckage of the secret room. Then another hand was in his face and shoving him aside, dropping him to the ground like a sack of potatoes, and he scrambled away to find himself at Farah and Amanda’s feet. But if Amanda and Farah were here, who was-?

He turned round, and there they were again. Lifting Dirk none-too-gently from the smouldering crack in the wall, depositing him gasping and choking on the floor at their feet. He just about heard Dirk mumble a weary _‘not this again…’_ before the blue energy reappeared. He couldn’t do much more than stare, confused and alarmed, as they once again leeched... _something_ out of him.

And then they were done. They left Dirk exactly where he was, spluttering on the floor, and disappeared with a chorus of yummy noises and lip-smacking. It was all just a little too much for Todd to handle right at that second.

“Who _are_ those guys?!” he demanded, exasperated. It had been a very, _very_ long day.

It didn’t occur to him until a few minutes later that he should probably check if Dirk was okay.

* * *

 

The third time was the kicker.

Maybe it was because for the first time, they were actually having _fun_ before it happened.

"Abandoned hospital," Todd muttered, shaking his head. "Well, I guess it's a classic."

"Never had one before, have we?" Dirk beamed, as if they were talking about a new flavour milkshake. "Abandoned _houses_ , yes. We even had that abandoned orphanage one time, remember?"

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"But abandoned hospitals? Yet another first for the agency!"

"I should have started a horror movie trope bingo before our first investigation," Todd remarked. "I might've won something by now."

"Well, it's not too late. I'm sure we've many years of spooky investigations ahead of us!"

"Comforting thought," Todd said dryly. But he gave Dirk a little smile over his shoulder. "But I guess there's worse ways to make a living."

Maybe it was because they were alone, quiet and content in each other’s presence for once, but Todd noticed the _second_ Dirk's face fell. One of those gut feelings, telling him trouble was afoot.

The source became clear when they heard the familiar shouts of their least favourite psychic vampire squad.

Dirk, white as a sheet, turned on his heel and ran. Todd followed without a second thought.

Unfortunately they were on the second floor, the elevators were deactivated, and the Rowdies were already halfway up the stairs.

 _"Shit!"_ Dirk yelled, spinning round, searching for a hiding place. He barged into a nearby abandoned nurses’ station and dove into a supply closet, dragging Todd in with him and slamming the door shut.

Bodies pressed close in the confined space, their frantic breaths mingling, they could do nothing but listen as outside the animalistic calls of their pursuers grew closer and closer. Dirk looked like he was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.

"Hey," Todd said softly, catching his hand. "It's okay- they never stay long, right? They'll be gone before we know it."

Dirk looked at him, eyes wide with terror. "Not until they've got what they want."

Todd opened his mouth to ask just what exactly they _did_ want from Dirk of all people, but that's when the voices reached their crescendo. The Rowdies were in the room. He held his breath, but he knew it was futile. They were sitting ducks, and if they'd tracked them this far they could track them to the cupboard.

Sure enough, they were discovered and dragged out into the open within a minute.

Todd, as usual, was immediately discarded, chucked to the side and forgotten. Dirk, however, was dropped in the middle of the room and left to shiver in a little ball of panic as the Rowdies continued to shout and smash and destroy everything within reach. He was shaking like a leaf and making tiny, terrified noises like a wounded puppy by the time they'd had enough, crowding round to suck the terror and adrenaline from him, making satisfied noises like his fear was a cool beer on a hot day.

For the first time, Todd saw the entire spectacle not as a confused, wounded or indifferent bystander but as Dirk's friend. And within seconds he felt sick to his stomach.

How many times had they done this? To Dirk in particular, since something about him seemed to lure them in. How did they know how to find him, how to push him to the furthest limits of his panic, and what exactly did their vampire thing _do_ to him? Where the _fuck_ did they get off, singling Dirk out again and again, scaring him shitless all for... What? A snack? A game? Fuck that. _Fuck_ them.

"Hey!" He yelled, rage making his voice carry. "Get the fuck away from him!"

Silence.

Todd paled. _Shit._ Shit. Shitshit _shit._ The fuck was he _thinking?_ There were four of them and they had weapons and Dirk was semi-unconscious on the floor and oh _shit_ they were looking _right at him fuckity fucking-_

"You got something to say, snack-size?" The white-haired one- the leader? - said slowly, menacingly, advancing on Todd with his crowbar casually swinging.

Todd gulped, resisting the urge to step backwards. Two choices now. Stick to his guns and fight, or back down and let them get away with it again. Option one: an almost certain path to death and/or maiming.

He looked back at Dirk, still curled in on himself, cowering in the debris. Option two: out of the question.

"You heard me," he said, with more bravado than he felt. He set his jaw and puffed his chest, hoping to gain every little scrap of presence he could manage. “You can’t just… just _show up_ and pick on Dirk whenever you want a hit of whatever weird psycho-drug you get from him. It’s fucked up!”

The other Rowdies started jeering and crowing in the background, watching the stand-off like it was a pro-wrestling match and one of them was about to go down. He even heard the youngest yell _‘Get ‘im, Martin!’_ like a violent cheerleader. Todd found he didn’t even care- at least their attention was off Dirk for the time being. And he had a name for the leader, now.

Martin tilted his head and stepped closer in a strangely predatory fashion, like a cat toying with a mouse. He didn’t even seem _mad_ , just amused and a little curious, as if he couldn’t believe this particular mouse was calling him on his bullshit and he kind of wanted to see what it would do next. “Me and my boys do what we want,” he purred, slinging his crowbar up across both his shoulders and draping his wrists over it, like it was the most casual thing in the world. “’Sides, he don’t mind.”

“He- he _doesn’t mind?!”_ Todd repeated incredulously, glancing down to where Dirk was just uncurling himself. “Are you insane? Of course he _minds,_ Jesus!”

“Todd!” Dirk hissed, eyes wide in terror. “Todd, what are you doing? Don’t provoke them!”

Martin sniggered, casting a look over his shoulder at Dirk and making him flinch back. “British Guy gets it. Anyway, it don’t hurt him none- soon as we put those panic feelings in we suck ‘em right out, right boys?” the other Rowdies crowed and bellowed in agreement, pounding the floor with feet and clubs, sending Dirk skittering back even further.

With every passing moment Todd was feeling his fear dissipate into protective rage. “Well _clearly_ you’re doing a shitty job, since he still hides under beds when you get within two blocks! But yeah, sure, keep telling me he ‘doesn’t mind’!”

The other Rowdies were still cackling like hyenas, Martin remained unmoved and Dirk was in the process of trying to cower behind a broken gurney.

It occurred to Todd that he might have to stoop to… drastic measures.

He crossed his arms, and set his jaw. “I wonder,” he mused aloud, trying to still his trembling hands by gripping his biceps. He _really_ hoped he didn’t have an attack coming on. “What _Amanda_ would have to say to you guys if she knew how you treated her good friend Dirk when she wasn’t around?”

The laughter of the others died off. Todd wanted to turn and see their expressions, but he decided that maintaining eye contact with Martin was the best power play he could hope for.

Martin narrowed his eyes, fingers tightening minutely on his bat. “Last I heard, you an’ Drummer Girl had a bit of a falling out, on account o’ you being a lying lil’ slime. I don’t think she got the time of day for your complaining.”

“Maybe not,” Todd said. His heart was sinking but he held his ground- he got the feeling that if he showed weakness now it’d be game over.  Another reason why having a pararibulitis attack right now would be a Really Bad Idea. “But she still loves Dirk. She may not believe _me_ , but she’d check in on him, and I don’t think he’ll be singing your praises.”

“’Manda’s one of us now!” one of the others- the young, elfish one with the Mohawk- chimed in, brandishing his bat at Todd from behind the two big guys. “She gets it!”

“Yeah, she’s cool,” the one with the circle round his eye added, ruffling the little one’s hair. “She knows we don’t mean nothin’ by it.”

“Oh yeah?” Todd said, fumbling in his pocket for his phone. “Well, how about we test that theory? Let’s call her right now, huh?”

His thumb hovered over Amanda’s name in his phone, for about the five hundredth time since they’d last parted ways. He glanced over at Dirk, still a trembling mess on the floor, and hit dial, clicking it to loudspeaker.

The ringing echoed out from tinny speakers, silencing any last cheers and jeers from the Rowdies. It rang once. Twice. Three times. Martin was beginning to look agitated.

When her voice cut off the fourth ring, Todd almost collapsed from the combined relief and terror of hearing it after so long. “What d’you wa-?”

She didn’t get any further before Martin was reaching forward, jabbing the ‘end call’ button.

Silence fell. Todd held his breath, as did Dirk, the Rowdies began muttering to each other under their breath, and all the while Martin stared him down. Todd set his jaw, grip tightening on the phone, thumb moving to hover over her name again.

Slowly, deliberately, Martin reached into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette and clasping it between his lips. “Let’s go, boys,” he said out of the side of his mouth, raising his lighter. He lit the cigarette and took a long drag, exhaling a thick cloud of smoke in Todd’s face. He still hadn’t broken eye contact. He looked at Todd contemplatively, like he’d just done something unexpectedly interesting, and jerked his head towards the door. “Icarus is off the menu.”

There were no mumbles or cries of dissent from the ranks, no further moves towards either Dirk or Todd. No one fought Martin’s verdict. The respect he commanded in the group was tangible- if he ever made it back to speaking terms with Amanda, he’d have to ask her how the hell he did it. The other Rowdies began to file out of the room, Martin catching the littlest one under his arm as he passed by.

“You and I ain’t never gonna be friends after what you did, snack-size,” Martin said, keeping the playfully snapping younger Rowdy in a loose headlock. “Drummer Girl’s one of us now.”

He glanced back at Dirk. He ruffled the little guy’s hair and released him, sending him scampering excitedly after the others. The look he gave Todd next was loaded with meaning and intimidation and… maybe just the tiniest flicker of respect.

“And family means always lookin’ after your boys,” he said.

And with a nod and another wispy smoke ring, he was gone with the rest of them.

* * *

 

Neither of them spoke as the catcalls and crashes of the retreating Rowdies subsided. Todd could feel the fear and adrenaline that had been carrying him through the confrontation begin to dissipate, and suddenly felt like a puppet with its strings cut.

“Fuck,” he breathed, leaning forward, hands braced on his knees as he sucked in deep, greedy breaths. “Fuckfuckfuckfuck…” He couldn’t believe he’d just fucking _done_ that, holy _shit_. His whole life had flashed before his eyes- and God knows he didn’t want to be reminded of _that_ mess. “Fucking Christ…”

“They’re gone…”

He raised his head. Dirk was still on the floor, hair and clothes in disarray, eyes wide with disbelief and residual terror. “Yeah, Dirk, they’re gone, it’s okay,” he said, reassuring himself as much as the other man.

“They’re gone,” Dirk repeated. He looked and sounded completely stunned. “And they’re not… they’re not coming back.”

“Well,” Todd huffed, straightening up. “I don’t know how far you can trust the word of a gang of psychic vampire anarchists, but… yeah. I don’t think they’ll be back,” he walked over to Dirk, holding out a hand to help him up from the floor. He could see the disbelief in Dirk’s eyes, and tried to give him a reassuring smile. “Not as long as I’ve got any say in it,” he said, with confidence that he didn’t exactly feel but definitely wanted to believe.

He must have been convincing. Dirk took his hand, levering himself up off the floor. Todd expected him to let go and step back as soon as he was upright, so it came as kind of a shock to suddenly find himself with an armful of holistic detective as Dirk crushed him in a hug. It was a little awkward, and he’d positioned it wrong so he had his shoulders at a weird angle, but he clung on determinedly, face pressed into the crook of Todd’s neck. It was so unexpected, Todd forgot to reciprocate for a minute.

“Uh,” he mumbled, wrapping his arms loosely round Dirk’s torso. Had they done this before? He would probably remember that… “You okay?”

Dirk snorted. “Am _I_ okay?” he parroted back, not mocking, just disbelieving. “I just- you- and then they- _what were you_ -“ he squeezed Todd tighter, nuzzling closer. “That was just… No one’s ever…”

Todd felt his heart thump painfully in his chest. He held Dirk a little tighter. “Hey, I just… did what any decent person would do.”

He felt Dirk smile against his neck. He didn’t seem eager to end the hug any time soon. To be honest, neither was Todd. The room fell quiet, and they should probably really get out of the creepy abandoned hospital or at least get back to their hunt for… whatever it was they came looking for in the first place, Todd couldn’t even remember. But he was a little preoccupied with hugging his best friend and wondering why the hell they didn’t do this more often.

“So,” Dirk said quietly, breaking the comfortable silence. “You want to say you’re a shitty friend again? Because I think I have some pretty damn conclusive evidence to win the argument this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaaaand there we go. One of these days I actually need to write a fic with a bit of focus on Todd’s pararibulitus rather than just forgetting about it and slipping in the odd mention, but oh well.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! Maybe leave us a lil comment if you did? ^_^ Pretty new to writing the Rowdies. And though I’m sure Todd’s grateful to ‘em for their help in the last episode, he understandably doesn’t like them feeding on his terrified friend, okay?
> 
> Here’s hoping season two brings us more protective!Todd, as it seriously gives me fucking life.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
